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如何培养出成功的孩子? by Julie Lythcott Haims

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猜友推荐本文适合的年龄:正在统计 邀请我也要给出年龄建议

1 点赞 作者: 马上吃饭007 |2018-1-8 13:20| 只看作者 | 查看/评论: 322/25| 有效评论: 14

You know, I didn't set out to be a parenting expert. In fact, I'm not very interested in parenting, per Se. It's just that there's a certain style of parenting these days that is kind of messing up kids, impeding their chances to develop into theirselves.
- @* T% s8 V$ b( g5 E我从没想过做一个育儿专家。事实上,我本身对育儿也没什么兴趣。只是因为当今有一种育儿方式会把孩子搞得一团糟,阻碍他们个人特质的培养。
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There's a certain style of parenting these days that's getting in the way. I guess what I'm saying is, we spend a lot of time being very concerned about parents
1 k+ R+ \; B) m这种育儿方式,正大行其道。我想说的是,我们花了很多精力去担心父母。' ?0 K8 l8 L$ H+ e: }
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who aren't involved enough in the lives of their kids and their education or their upbringing, and rightly so. But at the other end of the spectrum, there's a lot of harm going on there as well, where parents feel a kid can't be successful unless the parent is protecting and preventing at every turn and hovering over every happening, and micromanaging every moment, and steering their kid towards some small subset of colleges and careers.
# }* H, g9 q1 c1 a没有足够参与到孩子的人生、教育以及养育过程中,这理所当然。但如果走上另一个极端,也会有很多坏处,比如家长认为,孩子自己不可能成功,除非父母可以随时保护和纠正,关注孩子的每件小事,掌控他们的每个细节,引导他们进入名牌大学,找到好工作。- \6 P1 R" r8 E) E- ]

0 u( r* A1 r. s9 w  t; cWhen we raise kids this way, and I'll say we, because Lord knows, in raising my two teenagers, I've had these tendencies myself, our kids end up leading a kind of checklisted childhood.( X( A5 T& w% ~# H( k; h: t4 E# v
当我们这样养育孩子,我用的是“我们”,因为上帝知道,在养育我的两个十来岁孩子的时候,我自己确实也有这种倾向,让我们的孩子过一种清单式的童年。: G. d! A9 a$ |8 \2 E
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And here's what the checklisted childhood looks like. We keep them safe and sound and fed and watered, and then we want to be sure they go to the right schools, but not that, they're in the right classes at the right schools, and that they get the right grades in the right classes in the right schools." b7 E- H1 v  X: X" j
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We tell our kids, don't just join a club, start a club, because colleges want to see that. And check the box for community service. Show the colleges you care about others. And all of this is done to some hoped for degree of perfection. We expect our kids to perform at a level of perfection we were never asked to perform at ourselves.
  n; i0 }# Y+ q: ~1 t我们告诉孩子,不要只是参加社团,还要创建社团,因为大学喜欢这样的学生。还要参加社区服务。要让大学看到你会关心他人。这些都是期望中的完美。我们期望我们的孩子能做到完美,而我们自己却从没做到过。
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# h9 a! j) Y5 c9 s- Z  r9 nAnd so because so much is required, we think, well then, of course we parents have to argue with every teacher and principal and coach and referee and act like our kid's concierge and personal handler and secretary.% ^( O$ G9 ~, F; h0 [
因为有这么多要求,我们就想,我们做父母的得和每个老师沟通,和校长、教练、推荐人沟通,搞的像是孩子的管家,像私人管家,像秘书。2 \9 [9 O4 h1 a, h+ j
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And then with our kids, our precious kids, we spend so much time nudging, cajoling, hinting, helping, haggling, nagging as the case may be, to be sure they're not screwing up, not closing doors, not ruining their future, some hoped-for admission to a tiny handful of colleges that deny almost every applicant.
# N% ?) X/ u, B) p然后对孩子,我们宝贵的孩子,我们要花心思来督促、哄骗、暗示、帮忙、唠叨、甚至讨价还价,确保他们不会在顶尖大学申请这件事上搞砸,或者故步自封,或者毁了自己的未来,即使那些大学在招生时几乎是万里挑一。
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* d& H* a( U+ w$ ^  z5 l1 ?3 t8 oAnd here's what it feels like to be a kid in this checklisted childhood. First of all, there's no time for free play. There's no room in the afternoons, because everything has to be enriching, we think. It's as if every piece of homework, every quiz, every activity is a make-or-break moment for this future we have in mind for them.% M) `' Q( I. d' j2 O! T! n
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  J6 D, V/ @" \# K3 dAnd we absolve them of helping out around the house, and we even absolve them of getting enough sleep as long as they're checking off the items on their checklist. And in the checklisted childhood, we say we just want them to be happy, but when they come home from school, what we ask about all too often first is their homework and their grades.
& b" }/ T6 V. B8 `3 U3 ~我们不让他们做家务,甚至不让他们有充足睡眠,只需要他们把清单上的事情做好。在清单式童年中,我们口头上希望他们开心,但当他们放学回家,我们通常第一时间询问他们的却是作业和成绩。
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0 r4 L! J9 B8 b' a) L$ R- LAnd they see in our faces that our approval, that our love, that their very worth, comes from A's. And then we walk alongside them and offer clucking praise like a trainer at the Westminster Dog Show coaxing them to just jump a little higher and soar a little farther, day after day after day.
" b- Q2 M3 b8 [. D他们从我们脸上看到的我们的认可,我们的爱,看到的他们的价值,却是来自成绩单上的A。和他们走在一起的时候,我们就像威斯敏斯特宠物展上的训狗员一样表扬他们,哄他们跳得再高一点,再远一点,日复一日。
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And when they get to high school, they don't say, "Well, what might I be interested in studying or doing as an activity?" They go to counselors and they say, "What do I need to do to get into the right college?" And then, when the grades start to roll in in high school, and they're getting some B's, or God forbid some C's, they frantically text their friends and say, "Has anyone ever gotten into the right college with these grades?"; R1 N: R* i; E: H
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And our kids, regardless of where they end up at the end of high school, they're breathless. They're brittle. They're a little burned out. They're a little old before their time, wishing the grown ups in their lives had said, "What you've done is enough, this effort you've put forth in childhood is enough."
+ a" L4 h& z1 B/ d我们的孩子,无论高中毕业时结果怎样,都被压得喘不过气。他们心理脆弱,精疲力竭。他们比实际年龄更老成,盼望着大人告诉他们,“你已经做得够多了,小时候这么努力已经足够了。”9 ?2 l) {, f! P9 q

; X( _: A% q! B) vAnd they're withering now under high rates of anxiety and depression and some of them are wondering, will this life ever turn out to have been worth it? Well, we parents, we parents are pretty sure it's all worth it. We seem to behave -- it's like we literally think they will have no future if they don't get into one of these tiny set of colleges or careers we have in mind for them.
9 _& [, b' f% E: X) m0 H" p! {. i他们现在却在高分的焦虑和沮丧中慢慢枯萎,有的孩子会想,这样的人生最后究竟有没有意义?我们做父母的,当然认为这都有意义。我们所表现出来的,就像如果他们进不去我们期望的这几所好大学,或者找不到好工作,他们就没有未来。* O, O& p9 o6 b  l
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Or maybe, we're just afraid they won't have a future we can brag about to our friends and with stickers on the backs of our cars. But if you look at what we've done, if you have the courage to really look at it, you'll see that not only do our kids think their worth comes from grades and scores, but that when we live right up inside their precious developing minds all the time.
9 W% m2 Z5 H8 A- l/ X* g或者,只是我们认为可以在朋友面前炫耀,或者只是贴在车屁股上的未来。就是这样。但如果你看看这件事的后果,如果你有勇气看的话,你会发现这不只让孩子认为他们的价值来自于成绩和分数,更是在他们正在成长的意识里。/ e* ^8 s1 @- I2 Q. v& M

' S  [) p* {; c; @- e4 ^Like our very own version of the movie "Being John Malkovich," we send our children the message: "Hey kid, I don't think you can actually achieve any of this without me."2 R, h, q' {6 A$ `& q: y; A! M
就像我们自己的电影《傀儡人生》一样,我们给孩子传递了一个信号:“嘿,孩子,没有我你什么都干不成。”& b5 [- w# h$ Z% r' _  |
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Now, am I saying every kid is hard-working and motivated and doesn't need a parent's involvement or interest in their lives, and we should just back off and let go?
( m' p: ?4 L, f# L我现在是不是在说,每个孩子都很努力,都很积极,都不需要对他们的人生有干涉和关心,我们应该退后,任其发展呢?! H+ e$ i. [$ E+ v" m, _# o

% t# m  X: H8 S! i7 lHell no. That is not what I'm saying. What I'm saying is, when we treat grades and scores and accolades and awards as the purpose of childhood, all in furtherance of some hoped-for admission to a tiny number of colleges or entrance to a small number of careers, that that's too narrow a definition of success for our kids.% M: ]9 u0 e$ s# q
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2 j! w" |! S5 s/ r7 i  R; O! HAnd even though we might help them achieve some short-term wins by overhelping like they get a better grade if we help them do their homework, they might end up with a longer childhood résumé when we help, all of this comes at a long-term cost to their sense of self.) S0 ]3 Z8 ~5 c# j
即使我们可以通过这种过度帮助来让他们获得一些短期的成功比如帮他们做作业而拿到的好成绩,在我们的帮助下,他们可能会有一个更好看的童年简历,这些会让他们在自我认知上付出长期的代价。, T' Q" S* r2 N/ N* }4 p7 W

2 P8 W4 S+ \% {( n, a4 GWe should be less concerned with the specific set of colleges they might be able to apply to or might get into and far more concerned that they have the habits, the mindset, the skill set, the wellness, to be successful wherever they go.$ W* Y' u# P: C
我们应该更少关注具体哪些名牌大学他们应该申请或进入,而更多关注他们的习惯、心态、技能、身心健康,有了这些,他们才能在哪儿都成功。2 h: {: J, b5 M6 e6 w1 [% C
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Our kids need us to be a little less obsessed with grades and scores and a whole lot more interested in childhood providing a foundation for their success built on things like love and chores.% c- z/ v1 t- X$ U* p* }$ m! l
孩子需要我们少一点痴迷于成绩和分数, 而将重点放在打造一个能帮助他们为成功奠基的童年上,比如爱,比如做家务。
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# M7 M) F; v$ x, l6 yThe longest longitudinal study of humans ever conducted is called the Harvard Grant Study. It found that professional success in life, which is what we want for our kids, that professional success in life comes from having done chores as a kid, and the earlier you started, the better.
. I- S! i7 s! f9 {3 I1 t7 g# Y& P史上历时最长的人类研究被称作哈弗格兰特研究。,这项研究发现,专业上的成功,也就是我们期望孩子达到的,取决于小时候做的杂活,越早开始越好。0 R% a7 r) e3 {- T: f
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That a roll-up-your-sleeves- and-pitch-in mindset, a mindset that says, there's some unpleasant work, someone's got to do it, it might as well be me, a mindset that says, I will contribute my effort to the betterment of the whole, that that's what gets you ahead in the workplace. Now, we all know this. You know this.( {6 X* |: z+ K$ G$ M# r5 M( y3 R
这种挽起袖子开干的心态,这种心态代表着:可能有些不想做的工作,总要有人去完成它,这个人也可能就是我,这种心态代表着:我会尽力去改善整件事情,这就是让你在工作中获得先机的东西。我们都清楚这个道理,你们也都清楚。% o# p* B' \) W: L1 D/ i) }
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And so, instead of being obsessed with grades and scores when our precious offspring come home from school or we come home from work, we need to close our technology, put away our phones, and look them in the eye and let them see the joy that fills our faces when we see our child for the first time in a few hours.
3 d# @0 D) S! J% H) Y5 n5 m. C8 F所以放下对成绩和分数的痴迷,当我们亲爱的孩子放学回家,或者我们下班回家,我们要关掉电子设备,把手机放到一边,看着他们的眼睛,让他们看到我们脸上洋溢的喜悦,就像第一次看到我们初生的孩子。" r9 I: C) r! z- a0 Y

8 d5 h( ?8 a6 B" R( ]' E3 o+ rAnd then we have to say, "How was your day? What did you like about today?" And when your teenage daughter says, "Lunch," like mine did, and I want to hear about the math test, not lunch, you have to still take an interest in lunch. You gotta say, "What was great about lunch today?" They need to know they matter to us as humans, not because of their GPA., D. m' l" Z; e* W6 P
然后我们应该说,“你今天过得怎样?今天有什么高兴的事吗?”然后你的女儿会说,“午饭”,就像我女儿一样,但我想听到的是数学考试,不是午饭,但你还是得表现出对午饭的兴趣,你应该说,“今天的午饭哪里比较棒?”他们需要知道,他们本身对我们很重要,而不是他们的学习成绩。+ ~% y5 N0 a# V% ?  Y. h! F
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You don't have to go to one of the biggest brand name schools to be happy and successful in life. Happy and successful people went to state school, went to a small college no one has heard of, went to community college, went to a college over here and flunked out.
' G1 `8 m- ]! x, W你不需要为了人生的幸福和成功,而一定要去那些最有名的学校。幸福和成功的人们也会来自于公立学校,来自于没人听过的学院,来自于社区大学,来自于附近的学校甚至被退学。' T3 _1 F, w+ A3 Z( u* C

  i0 _! G7 D& C# |: R$ pAnd if we could widen our blinders and be willing to look at a few more colleges, maybe remove our own egos from the equation, we could accept and embrace this truth and then realize, it is hardly the end of the world if our kids don't go to one of those big brand-name schools.
# `# }5 Q% h. z3 m4 g' J如果我们眼光放开一些,愿意看一些别的大学,抛开我们的偏见,我们会接受并拥抱这个事实,并且意识到我们的孩子考不上顶尖大学并不是什么世界末日。3 y% Z" u6 _% h) n
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If their childhood has not been lived according to a tyrannical checklist then when they get to college, whichever one it is, well, they'll have gone there on their own volition, fueled by their own desire, capable and ready to thrive there." w$ Y! ^. a9 ~: K$ D- b! L, \# ]- N
如果孩子们度过的不是清单式童年,不论他们将来进入哪所大学,那都是他们自由意志的选择,他们充满了渴望,准备好了,而且有能力开启自己的绚烂人生。. K# j# W, |3 N' X/ t  K4 _

( n- n) h# s( d* Oafter working with thousands of other people's kidsand raising two kids of my own, my kids aren't bonsai trees. They're wildflowers of an unknown genus and species., ?9 j' y3 ^3 Y$ ^/ }0 [
我在工作中接触了几千个别人家的孩子,我才意识到... 我意识到我的两个孩子,他们不是盆栽。他们是野花,未知品种的野花..., y& @, G5 D7 d& ], b
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And it's my job to provide a nourishing environment, to strengthen them through chores and to love them so they can love others and receive love and the college, the major, the career, that's up to them.
4 x6 J* m. Y3 f' G我的工作是提供成长的环境,通过家务和爱,让他们变得强大,爱他们,他们才会爱别人,接受爱。上大学、选专业、找工作,都由他们自己。9 }6 l5 c2 D, K1 K5 G: \8 ^

3 O+ |) [" s& }1 }* d2 w" n  C: UMy job is not to make them become what I would have them become, but to support them in becoming their glorious selves. Thank you.* L+ P! U, n$ B! v2 a5 I" v: T
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英语启蒙要以英文绘本为主,还是分级读物才是正餐,绘本只是甜点? 绘本应该怎么看?
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